My husband and I recently moved into a new home. Our last place was a small condo, so now we have an extreme amount of space. It’s absolutely fantastic. I was able to get everything out of my storage unit, finally. However, what I didn’t realize was how I would be digging up the skeletons from my past marriage. I thought I got rid of everything, but clearly missed some things. So many love letters and cards, it was rather repulsive. I didn’t bother to read any of it. Just saw the handwriting and threw it all in the trash. It’s a gratifying feeling to clean out the cobwebs.
Then, I found my old journal I've written in since sixth grade. It’s absolutely hilarious the stuff I have in there. All the boys I liked in middle school and high school. I can’t believe those problems were the end of the world back then. If only we know then what we know now. As I got to the back of my journal, I realized I had written in there during my first marriage. Funny how the trauma our brain experiences makes us forget certain things. I had completely forgotten I’d written anything in there after college. What was more disturbing, however, was what I actually wrote in the journal.
Writing this blog entry now actually makes me want to cry because the pages I wrote in that journal screamed, “you’re in a narcissistic, abusive relationship!” One entry in particular really shook me. In it I wrote, “I’m not allowed to have any guy friends, talk to guys, add guys online, and Jules has the password to everything that is mine.” Crazy how I really had put that behind me, but none of it was a lie. I was controlled and thought that somehow by doing all those things I would make Jules happy and trust me. Seriously though, I never did anything for him not to trust me. I was always trying to make him happy. Always going above and beyond.
In a couple of weeks, I will come up on the six year mark of that dreadful day. The day the world shattered around me. The day the truth came out. My only goals through writing these posts are to continue to remind whoever you are reading this that you’re not alone. This is my story and I’m ready to share it with the world. One post at a time.
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